No Place That Far
by Freya82
Summary: Set at the end of And Then I Fell In Love: Harry has to make a life changing decision...
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters belong to the BBC.

" Harry?"

Nikki sat bolt upright in her bed.

No response.

She threw the covers back and ran to the hallway to retrieve her phone which was buzzing across the hall table.

DI Masood greeted her quickly and gave her a postcode which she scribbled on a yellow pad as she wiped sleep from her eyes and stifled a yawn. Nikki hung up the phone and shivered. She noticed the door to her spare room was wide open and peered in. The bed was unmade and empty.

"Harry?" she called and again received no answer.

Nikki frowned and returned to her room where she dressed quickly. It was Harry's last night in her house and he had been acting strange all day. He had been quiet and distant and on more than one occasion she had caught him staring at her in a funny way.

Earlier that evening she had cooked them a meal, insisting that she couldn't face yet another take out, no matter how tired she was. She had felt his eyes boring into her back as she chopped vegetables. She had tried to engage him in light conversation, in banter, in innuendo loaded remarks about huge carrots but all she received in return was either silence or a half hearted chuckle.

Eventually she threw a dish towel at him.

"Here make yourself useful, I'll get some housework out of you before you abandon me" she joked and he looked like he was about to throw up as the towel hit him in the face before landing on his feet which were rooted to the floor.

"Harry are you alright?" she had asked turning towards him, her eyes narrowing in concern.

She had felt him looking at her- he appeared to be studying her. Noting the wisps of hair which had come loose from a messy bun, the stained crumpled apron draped over her slight frame which declared "'Kiss the Cook!", the smudge of mashed potato on her lower lip. He had taken a tentative step towards her and wet his thumb in his mouth before wiping her lip clean. Harry's fingers had remained on her face as they locked eyes. The heat from the stove warming her back, the contents of the saucepan beginning to boil furiously. The angry, spitting sound distracted Nikki long enough to look away and she quickly turned her back on him and turned the gas down. When she turned back around he was the other side of the room with a face like thunder. She remembered her confusion and her unease and her relief that she had the cooking to distract her from whatever was going on.

The tension, usually so playful and downright enjoyable had taken on a menacing edge which was beginning to unnerve her slightly. He was only moving back to his flat, what was going on with him?. Yes she was going to miss him, so much she didn't really want to think about it there and then - shit she had forgotten to add the peas - but they would still see each other every day - maybe even see each other more on their days off given how nice their time was together - how long should that simmer for?.

"Harry? Harry are you going to do those dishes for me? I need that saucepan - Harry?".

He had picked the dish towel off the floor and brushed past her to move to the sink. The energy radiating off him made her unusually self conscious around him and she apologised softly every time they had to move around each other to stir something, to put away something.

"For God's sake!" he had shouted suddenly and grabbed her roughly before throwing her against the fridge "Can't you just stay still for five minutes!". He was holding her wrist so tightly in his hand she was sure her bones were going to snap.

When she regained her breath and composed herself somewhat she raised her chin to him in defiance and refused to look away from his wild stare. He smirked. She smirked right back.

"You're having a very tough day aren't you darling?" she whispered provokingly and she felt the fingers around her wrist tighten.

"I'm just not used to sharing my space with you all the time" he whispered back.

"Well it's not for much longer, you'll be back in your batchelor pad in no time. Surely you can put up with me for a few more hours?".

A strange expression had fallen over his features and she felt the fingers slacken before they fell away. Nikki didn't want to acknowledge the sense of loss that filled her chest when he let her go and moved away. Hands on hips. Eyes on the ceiling.

Harry had felt a small, soft hand on his back as she pushed him towards the living room.

"Get out of my kitchen. Go have a drink" she fought to make her tone somewhat light hearted as she took a bottle of wine from the fridge and poured them both a glass. He had taken it from her without looking at her and flopped onto the couch in the living room.

She had left him to it.

Now it was almost morning and she shrugged into her jacket, wondering why on earth the house was so bloody cold. A gust of wind hit her as she made her way down the hall. The back door was open. The smell of smoke filled her nose. Cigarette smoke.

She half jogged into kitchen. The lights were off but she saw him standing in the back garden, clad only in a tee shirt and lounge pants. She saw the small light in his hand before he drew the cigarette to his mouth, taking a long drag into his lungs before blowing smoke violently out his nose.

"Harry! What on earth are you doing?!"

Harry maintained his gaze on the stars and didn't face her.

"Do you think that's the big dipper?"

"Are you drunk?"

"Are you my mother?"

"You are drunk"

"Are you my wife? No you're bloody well not!" he spat.

"Harry what the hell is going on? You're scaring me now"

"I'd like to know what's going on too, I really would. Just what the hell is going on here Nikki. What is going on?. Do you know because I don't!".

She took his hand and attempted to pull him back towards the house but he didn't budge. He finally turned to face her. His eyes were red rimmed - had he been crying?.

He took in her appearance. She was dressed, car keys in her hand, jacket on, eyes wide with shock and worry, hair down and unbrushed. Harry quenched the cigarette in the grass and put it in his pocket before turning on her and slipping both hands onto her neck and into her hair.

Nikki jumped back slightly, his hands like ice, his breath like an ashtray. The smirk on his face did it and she caught him hard across the face with the palm of her hand. Both stopped breathing such was the shock. The wind rattled the trees around her garden and tossed an iron bucket across the lawn. The blood thudded in her ears as tears fell from her eyes.

"What was that for?" he eventually asked, grasping his jaw.

"I don't know. I've got to go. There's a scene. What the hell is going on Harry? I'll speak to you when I get back. In the meantime have a coffee, seven maybe, brush your teeth then take a bloody shower. And flush those fags!".

In an instant she was gone, striding quickly across the lawn and out the side gate. Eyes watering in anger, worry and confusion.

"Bye Sweetheart!" he yelled after her and a light came on in an upstairs room next door. A rather large, bald head appeared out the window above.

"Will you kindly shut up? Its 4 in the bloody morning!" the man hissed as his Jack Russell began yapping obnoxiously, setting all the dogs on Nikki's road into a tit for tat yelping session.

Harry fumbled in his pocket for the cigarette, struggled with the lighter, lit the cigarette and blew smoke in the man's direction.

Nikki reappeared and poked him in the back angrily "Get back inside this instant! and put that out!".

"I love it when you're angry. God Nikki you drive me crazy-"

"Oh for Christ sake - you sure can pick em love - I'm giving you two 30 seconds before I call the Police!"

"I'm so sorry Mr...Mr...Mr...I'm so sorry. I promise no more noise" Nikki called as she shoved Harry in the back door.

"Stupid old fart, he could give Victor-"

"Shut up Harry! Just Shut up!" she screamed, her hands shaking.

"Are you going to hit me again?" he asked as he ran the cigarette under the tap "Because I think I quite enjoyed it"

Nikki scrubbed her face with her hands as her mobile sounded in her pocket. She ignored it and stepped towards him.

"Are you ill? Is that it? Have you gotten bad news?".

He laughed incredulously and pulled his tee shirt over his head, dropping it to the floor before opening the fridge and putting a carton of milk to his lips.

Nikki pulled out her phone and read the text hurriedly. She blew out a breath in frustration and headed for the door.

"You better be fucking dying" she said through gritted teeth as she passed Harry.


	2. Chapter 2

It was almost 9am when Nikki returned home. The smell of booze and cigarettes met her as she closed the front door behind her. The house was freezing, Harry hadn't bothered to turn on the heating and was very much 'out cold' when she found him. It hadn't been difficult. The house practically shook with his snoring. He lay face down in the couch, naked from the waist up. An empty bottle of wine on the floor beside him along with an over flowing china cup which he had been using as a make shift ashtray.

Nikki picked up the bottle. A 2006 bottle of Chateauneuf-du-Pape which had been a gift from one of her old college buddies.

She looked down at Harry murderously. As she stared down at him her anger began to fizzle into concern.

"What the hell is going on Harry?" she whispered. He didn't move. He may as well have been on a slab. She swallowed. Worried now that maybe he had gotten bad news...his heart...maybe...she stopped that train of thought before it took hold of her.

Exhaustion crept up on her now she was home and she turned and made her way towards her bedroom. She changed quickly and pulled back the covers. Her phone began to ring about eleven seconds after her head touched the pillow. Nikki groaned and sat up.

"Hi Leo"

"Hi Nikki, sorry for disturbing you, you weren't sleeping were you?"

"No I've just gotten into bed" she said, her voice slipping into a whine. She suddenly knew exactly why Leo was calling.

"Oh I'm sorry Nikki, it's just Harry hasn't shown up. He's over two hours late. Do you have any idea where he is? He's not answering his phone".

Nikki swung her legs out of the bed, her hand flying to her face.

"I know he wasn't feeling very well last night. He was complaining of an upset stomach" she lied "I'll just see if he's in his room".

Nikki stood and paced around her bedroom for a few moments.

"He's fast asleep Leo. Shall I wake him?"

"No no leave him be. He doesn't usually go out sick, he must be very poorly. I'll see you shortly though won't I?"

"Yes Leo, you'll see me in about two and half hours" Nikki groaned and flopped onto her back on the bed. She hated lying to Leo but she wasn't going to tell their boss that Harry was passed out drunk on the couch before she had a chance to interogate him and find out what the hell was going on with him. Nikki set the alarm on her phone and pulled the duvet over her head.

When Nikki awoke she could barely move, she was conscious of a heavy weight baring down on her. Then she smelled cigarettes and bad breath. Her eyelids fluttered open. Harry was leaning over her, shaking her shoulders.

"Nikki? Nikki?" he called.

Nikki placed a hand on his chest and pushed him away. She scooted into a sitting position and stared at him.

"Nikki what happened last night?" he asked her anxiously, his eyes red rimmed, his breath reeking.

Nikki's eyes fell on the clock on her bedside table.

"Oh fuck Harry, I had another hour to sleep. Thanks a bunch" she was close to tears now.

"What's going on with you? Why did you drink a bottle of wine? My bloody good wine by the way, and why were you smoking? You don't smoke. You've never smoked!".

"We didn't...nothing happened did it?"

"What?! You mean?...No! Jesus Harry, no way! You were totally off the rails".

Harry flopped back on the bed and covered his face with his hands.

"Sorry" he mumbled

"Harry what on earth is going on?" Nikki whispered and put a hand on his shin.

"Don't" he said more harshly than intended and sat up "Can you not touch me?".

"Harry..." she trailed off, hurt and shock clouded her face.

"If you touch me, I'll have to touch you back and I won't be able to stop" he whispered.

Her eyes narrowed. He was still drunk she reasoned.

Nikki stood and made her way towards the door.

"I'm going to get you a glass of water and some paracetamol ok?. Leo called looking for you. I told him you were sick".

Harry was on his back again, his hands covering his face.

"Sorry" he mumbled again "I think I'm still a bit trollied".

Nikki sighed "I think you are" and left the room.

When she returned he was in her bed with the duvet over his head. She placed the glass on the bedside table and sat beside him.

Her hand found the top of his head and she stroked his hair.

"What's all this about Harry? Please talk to me?"

"I think I'm going to be sick..."

"Harry for God s-"

"Yeah I know I bloody am-"

Harry flew from the bed and just made it to the toilet in Nikki's ensuite. She grimaced as he retched into the toilet bowl, clinging onto it for dear life.

She stood in the door way as he coughed and spluttered violently. After several long, agonising minutes he stopped and she handed him the glass of water.

"Seriously Harry are you ill?"

"I'm bloody well throwing up aren't I?" he croaked bitterly.

"You know what I mean, you haven't had any bad news or anything? I mean you're ok apart from the vile hangover and mental breakdown right?".

He scoffed and sat back against the cold tiles of the wall, his bare skin pimpling with cold.

Nikki clinically appraised the fit, handsome, young man before her, as if she could somehow diagnose him with her eyes. He looked perfectly healthy. His body toned and held by him like a tightly coiled spring that was about to snap away any second. She noted the veins bulging in this forearms as he clenched and unclenched his hands.

Harry motioned to say something to her but suddenly threw himself towards the toilet again.

"That's over a hundred quids worth of wine you're staining my toilet with".

"Oh God. It's not the wine. I think its all the fags" he whispered and let his chin rest on his chest.

"Is it your Mum Harry? She's alright isn't she?"

Harry nodded quickly and stood up slowly.

"Sorry. I'm sorry Nikki. God I'm a mess. I'm going to have a shower, brush my teeth and get myself together. I'll talk to you later ok?".

Harry made to move past her but she remained firmly in the doorway.

"l need an explanation Harry. This isn't you. You've scared the hell out of me. I'm out of my mind with worry for you".

He towered over her and grasped her hands tightly in his.

"I know Nikki. I know. I've been a proper git. Can I meet you for lunch?".

At that moment in time the mere thought of food made him turn towards the toilet and she surpressed a giggle in spite of herself.

"Don't laugh at my pain" he whined.

She looked at him sympathetically and noticed for the first time the faintest shadow of a bruise on his left cheekbone. He caught her staring at the mark and reflexively touched it.

"Is it sore?" she asked meekly.

"I think my ego is suffering more. Remind me never to mess with you Alexander. You're a little terrier"

"You deserved it"

"Yes I did"

"Go clean yourself up"

"I will do that...sorry Nikki"

"If you don't sort yourself out you will be"

"A threat of further violence?"

"A promise of it. I thought you liked it anyway?"

"Let's not go down that road when I'm reeking of vomit and fags, although you're probably used to that given your lousy taste in men"

"Then maybe we're meant to be together Harry"

"This road is closed until further notice"

"Due to the car wreck that is Harry Cunningham?"

"You're causing an obstruction. Please get out of my way" he said dryly and placed a hand on her chest, gently pushing her backwards.

"That's assault you know" she chided as he walked away.

"It's only assault if you've been put in fear. Judging by that giggle you're hardly in fear now are you?"

"I'm in fear for my carpets!, please stay in tiled areas of the house!".

Harry walked backwards into her bedroom to give her the finger.

Nikki responded by throwing a pink bath towel over his head. When he pulled it off and hung it over his shoulder she stepped towards him, her expression serious.

"We are going to talk about this Harry. Seriously. I am really really worried. Tell me that everything is going to be ok?".

"Everythings going to be ok Nikki" he lied.


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much to EmmaJ1996, KiwiSWFan and Dinabar for the reviews, you guys are lovely!.

It was close to 2 p.m. when Harry arrived at the Thomas Lyell centre. He surveyed the building and exhaled deeply through his nose. A shower and four expressos had returned him to an almost human state….physically at least. Harry glanced around the carpark. Her car was gone. Relief coursed through him quickly followed by guilt. Harry opened the main doors to the Pathology department, resolve broadening his shoulders, lifting his chin. He swiped his ID card and observed Leo in his office. Head bowed. Glasses on his nose. Harry swallowed. He had never seen him wear them before. Age was creeping up on all of them like a sly little thief and finally the wear and tear was beginning to show. Harry caught sight of his worried expression in the glass of the doors. In spite of his slightly (ever ever so slightly) greying temples he had still an almost childlike anxiety about what was going to happen next. Harry approached Leo's office and rapped once.

Leo glanced up in surprise and quickly removed the glasses, preparing himself for a ribbing which never came.

"You busy Leo? Can I have a word?" Harry asked gravely.

"What are you doing here?, aren't you ill?, Shouldn't you be in bed?", Leo folded his hands loosely across his chest and watched as Harry ran a hand quickly through his hair.

"I'm feeling a bit better. I need to talk to you about something….tell you something" he said softly, giving the office a quick glance to ensure Nikki hadn't stuck back in or a lab tech wasn't floating around. The office was still.

"Sounds ominous" Leo was about to say but Harry's expression made him stop.

Harry took a seat before Leo and leaned forward, wringing his hands together.

He didn't speak for several long moments, then just as Leo was about to ask what the problem was, Harry reached into his inside jacket pocket and retrieved a letter. He handed it to Leo.

Leo's eyes were immediately drawn to the letter head and he didn't have to read the body of the correspondence from Columbia University. Harry Cunningham was good. The best he had ever trained in fact. Harry was long over due a professorship.

Leo leaned back in his chair and bit his lower lip.

"They always wanted you" he began softly "They came hunting almost ten years ago and you turned them down and still…..still they come back and offer you a professorship".

Harry nodded and laughed in what he hoped was self depreciation and not terror.

"They telephoned me yesterday looking for an answer. Look at the date…..it was posted almost three weeks ago. Bloody Royal Mail…." Harry's voice was soft and low and Leo noticed the quaver in it.

There was a weighted silence between the two men. The giant elephant shuffled in the space between them.

"When are you leaving?" Leo asked eventually.

"They want me to start at the beginning of the next academic year…..so six weeks"

Leo nodded slowly and folded the letter in his hands.

"No one deserves this more than you Harry…I'm proud of you…..it's overdue….long overdue….I'm sorry something similar wasn't offered here…..very sorry…..that was always out of my hands. I hope you know that".

Harry narrowed his eyes and waved his hand "Of course Leo of course and thank you….for everything. I owe everything I know to you and Sam Ryan".

Another weighted silence. The Elephant was about to swing it's trunk. Leo shifted slightly in his chair, causing the aged leather to creak in the stuffy silence.

"Funny…" he began, smiling a smile that didn't reach his eyes "How things work out….they are never quite how you expect…"

"No" Harry answered sadly "No they are not".

The silence bore down on Harry and he grabbed his neck, words bubbling up his throat.

"I turned them down before because of her" he croaked "Almost a decade ago Leo".

Leo's eyes fell to the dossier on his desk. He couldn't look at the pain in Harry's eyes knowing full well it was soon to be reflected in his other charges eyes for a long time to come.

'This will kill her' he thought sadly and looked up at Harry, the man who was like the son he never had. The man who had made him so proud. The man who made him so disappointed. Leo and Harry were brilliant pathologists but very very different with regard to their personal lives. Leo loved whole heartedly and without fear in spite of his losses, the tragedy that blighted his life.

Harry. Harry treated love like a game. And now he had lost.

Leo wanted to shake him.

"When we thought you were dead Harry….in Budapest…..she was devastated….she talked about how everyone thought you'd end up together".

Harry's head snapped up and he stared at Leo "How everyone thought that? Is that what she thought?"

"She said she thought there would be time to know"

Harry scoffed in disbelief and gripped the arms of the chair "Time?! Time?!" he asked incredulously.

Leo raised his hand and lowered it gently "Harry, do not begin this conversation with me. Please. There is only one person you should be talking to about this…..for God's sake…the pair of you have never had a real conversation in your lives. Grow up would you" Leo said bitterly and Harry was taken aback by the venom in this voice.

As if on que Nikki's shadow fell across Harry's face and he turned and locked eyes with her through the glass in Leo's office. She stood watching them, her keys held so tightly in her hand they would indentations on her fingers. Leo looked at her sadly. She braced herself for bad news. What the hell was going on?

Harry made his way towards her.

"Hi" she said unsurely "You feeling any better?"

She took in his appearance. Suit with no tie. Clean shaven. Smelling of coffee and her favourite aftershave.

Before Harry could respond an overweight DI appeared from no where and stuck a greasy paw in Harry's direction.

"DI Jimmy Sutton, nice to meet you. Fancy one of these muffins?" he held out a brown paper back to Harry.

"Harry Cunningham and no thanks Detective Inspector. I've just eaten"

"Fair 'Nuf, you be assisting Dr. Alexander with some of these bodies then?"

Harry narrowed his eyes and looked to Nikki.

"How many are there?"

"Four" she answered, still glancing between him and Leo who had appeared to introduce himself to the DI. He had earlier dispatched Nikki to the scene of a domestic which had turned fatal. A jealous ex husband had stabbed his ex wife and three children to death.

"Yes, course I'll be assisting. I'll go scrub up".

"Me too" Nikki said, following Harry to the locker room. Leaving Leo and the DI to discuss the case.

"You ok?" Nikki asked softly when they were alone in the locker room, standing back to back, holding clean scrubs in their hands.

Harry slipped off his shoes as she stepped out of hers.

"Yeah. Sorry about last night….and earlier" he whispered, still offering no explanation. Instinct and Leo's expression had let her know she might not want to be enlightened.

"Everything ok between you and Leo?" she whispered back and pulled her jeans off, quickly slipping into her scrub bottoms.

Harry hung up his suit trousers "Yeah. Fine".

Nikki slipped her blouse over her head "It's just it looked like I walked in on an argument".

Harry turned his head slightly and watched her pull her scrubs over her head. She was beautiful. His chest heaved. His head popped out of his scrubs and they turned to face each other at the same time. Forever en sync.

"No. Not at all. Just a…difference of opinion"

"About what?" she probed gently.

He touched her gently on the arm "I'll tell you later ok….let's get these post mortems started".

"Sure. You want to get a takeaway later? Unless you want to cook for a change?" she attempted to lighten her tone and engage him in banter but was failing.

Harry nodded quickly "Takeaway great" he answered and they walked in somewhat awkward silence into the cutting room. Leo and DI Sutton watched from the gallery. Leo observed his two colleagues work diligently around each other in silent communication. They were like a finely tuned Swiss watch. They questioned each other with their eyes, summonsed each other to the others side with a slight nod of the head. Disagreed with the raising of an eyebrow. Shoulders bumped, foreheads almost touched.

This was all wrong he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

By 8 p.m Harry was exhausted. The pm's had long been completed. Preliminary notes written up. DI Sutton stood hunched over a crime scene photograph with Nikki and Leo peering over his shoulder.

Harry yawned and rubbed his face. He needed caffeine. No he needed sleep he decided. Nikki and Leo appeared still fully engrossed with the investigation. Harry couldn't muster the enthusiasm. He watched Nikki argue emphatically with Leo about something. Beautiful brown eyes wide and unblinking. Leo had sighed and threw his head back to the ceiling.

DI Sutton began munching on a bagel...where did he get that from?.

"Maybe we should call it a night and come back with fresh eyes in the morning" Harry offered.

"I agree" said Leo instantly and made towards his office.

"Hmmm I am starving" Nikki said glancing at the chubby DI and his bagel. She turned towards Harry "Chinese?, Indian?, ooh lets get a pizza, we haven't gotten a pizza in ages" she said brightly.

Harry groaned inwardly, his face fell "Oh sorry Nikki, I'm absolutely exhausted. I think I'll just grab some toast at home or something and hit the bed. I'm not up for much after last night".

The DI looked with amused interest between the two pathologists as he chewed his slightly stale bagel.

Nikki's eyes narrowed "Oh okay, well I'm not eating a pizza by myself. I'll just whip up some scrambled eggs. Would you like that?".

Harry swallowed. Shit. She had forgotten hadn't she...

"Oh well I was going to go straight home Nikki..." he said softly, his face full of regret.

"But all your things..."

"I packed up before I came into the office, all my stuffs in the car...dreading the unpacking".

The DI dusted his hands together and pushed between Harry and Nikki.

"See you in the morning docs" he mumbled, now slightly uncomfortable with the awkward exchange he was witness to.

"Night" Harry and Nikki said to his departing bulk as he shuffled past them.

"Thanks so much for letting me stay Nikki and for making me feel so at home" he whispered before pressing a kiss to her cheek. The kiss lingered several seconds too long but Harry couldn't pull away. He breathed in the scent of her skin, her hair.

Nikki turned her face up towards his which caused his lips to fall away. She had become shy, guarded. Like she had in her living room the night before last when she thanked him for the flowers and he gazed at her intently, silently telling her everything he wanted.

"I liked having you around" she whispered back "It was nice".

He smiled sadly before turning towards the sound of Leo's footsteps.

Harry grabbed his coat and shrugged into it.

"See you both in the morning" he said, heading for the door, never locking eyes with Nikki again.

She stared after him as Leo lifted his own coat from the coat rack.

"What's going on Leo?" she asked softly, never taking her eyes off Harry as he walked down the hallway towards the exit.

Leo allowed his eyes to close briefly. Shit. He didn't answer her. She turned towards him and willed him to look at her.

"What were you and Harry arguing about earlier?"

"We weren't arguing Nikki" he sighed.

"Well somethings going on isn't it? Why aren't you telling me? Why won't he tell me?"

"He'll tell you when he's ready"

"But you know..."

Leo avoided her gaze "He had to tell me" he said quickly then instantly regretted it. He chanced a glance at his young colleague. He saw the wheels turning, the realisation dawn on her delicate features. Shit.

Nikki gripped the side of Harry's desk and looked to the floor.

"Someone's come looking again haven't they?, someones made an offer, a good one...haven't they?" she whispered.

Leo's eyes fell to his shoes and he rubbed his neck.

"Please just talk to Harry, Nikki, please" he pleaded.

"Who is it? Another lab? the secret service?...the Americans?".

She caught the twitch in Leo's face and sat down on Harry's chair.

"They want him again don't they?" she whispered, her eyes falling on his coffee cup (the one she had bought him, Christmas 2009) which was dirty and still contained warm coffee.

"Yes" Leo finally confirmed "Columbia has offered him a professorship".

Nikki felt her stomach fall and her heart rate jump. She finally lifted her head to meet Leo's eyes.

"A professorship?"

Leo nodded "You know how good Harry is, Nikki, this is long overdue for him".

She nodded slowly in agreement. "Yes. He's the best".

Leo studied her, unsure of what to do. He had for so long kept out of their relationship or lack thereof now he was tortured as whether to interfere or not. He had already said too much to Harry earlier...or was it too much?...or had he not said enough?. Eventually he took a seat across from Nikki, in her own chair.

Her brow was furrowed, her eyes sad as she studied the coffee mug.

"I can't believe it" she whispered before looking up and straightening her shoulders "Well I can...in some ways...but I just can't imagine this place without Harry".

"I can't imagine you without Harry" Leo began and Nikki blushed and looked to the floor.

"Leo-" she warned.

"You need to talk to each other. Really talk".

"Why?" she implored sadly "He's already accepted it hasn't he?" she whispered, her voice cracking.

"You remember in Budapest...when we thought he was dead...you remember that conversation we had in the hotel?" he pressed gently.

She nodded and forced herself to look her boss in the eye "Yes" she whispered.

"In my opinion...you and Harry...have had plenty of time...to know".

Nikki was paralysed by emotion and was unable to respond to Leo. Tears rushed silently down her cheeks as Leo stood and walked slowly to her side. He dropped a kiss to the top of her head and let his palm rest on her cheek a moment.

"You've both been really silly" he whispered and she almost laughed at the father like tone he had adopted.

"At least I'll have you" she sniffed and fought the tension rising up her throat, expanding her chest until she felt she was going to explode. She swallowed the feeling down deep and drew a breath slowly through her nose.

She smiled weakly at Leo and squeezed his hand as she removed it from her shoulder.

"Well done Harry eh?" she whispered and he squeezed her hand back.

"Come on, I'll drive you home" he said, urging her gently to her feet.

"No Leo, I'm fine, really. You don't need to do that. He hasn't died!" she said, wiping her face on the back of her hand.

Nikki grabbed her handbag from under Harry's desk and slung it over her shoulder. She left the office without her coat and almost ran to her car. She sat in the drivers seat with the engine running for fifteen minutes. Staring at the Thomas Lyell Centre.

The house was dark when she pulled into the driveway. His car was gone. His size nines weren't in the hall. His coat wasn't thrown across her sofa. She turned on lights throughout the house. Her eyes fell on a giant bunch of sunflowers in the kitchen. More flowers. She read the card.

"Morning Sunshine" it said, reminisent of the greeting he had given her every morning for the past few days.

Nikki sighed and dropped her bag to the floor. She opened the door to her bedroom and registered the smell before she saw the flowers. She switched on the light and found a dozen red roses sitting on her dressing table. She held her breath as she fished the card slowly from the thorns.

"Love always. Your Harry".

Nikki walked backwards towards the bed and sat there shaking. What was he doing?!

He was leaving her and yet leaving her red roses? What friend gives their friend red roses?

She pulled her phone angrily out of her pocket. Her anger bubbled as she heard the dial tone and the sleepy "Hello?"

"What the hell are you playing at?!" she spat when he answered.

"Nikki, what-"

She had rung to rant and rave at him but found herself completely unable to speak when she heard his voice. Tears ran unbidden down her face as she gripped the phone tightly to her.

"Why?" she said eventually, her voice low and steady.

"Why what Nikki? What's up?"

"Why did you leave me red roses?"

"You like roses don't you?"

"Why red ones Harry?".

Silence.

"Congratulations by the way...Leo told me...or rather I guessed".

"Shit. I'm sorry Nikki. I wanted to tell you today. I really did".

Silence. Long silence.

"I'm coming over-"

"Don't"

"I am"

"Why?"

"To talk"

"About what?"

"Nikki-"

"What is there to talk about now Harry?, Do you want me to say I'm happy for you? Well I'm happy for you! Do you want me to beg you to stay? This feels like deja vu doesn't it?!"

"And isn't that the point?! Isn't that the whole bloody point Nikki?".

Silence.

"I'm coming over".

Silence.

She turned her phone off.


	5. Chapter 5

Nikki let the phone slip from her hands and slid from her bed to the floor, angry tears slipping down her face. Damn him. She didn't need him anyway. She had survived before she had met him, she'd survive alone again. She must have been sitting there at least fifteen minutes because before she knew it he was standing at the foot of her bed, staring at her, eyes and hair wild.

"Your spare key..." he said softly and placed it on her dressing table beside the roses.

"I'm so sorry Nikki, I didn't mean for you to find out this way. I was going to tell you tomorrow I promise you".

She maintained her position on the floor, staring at her high heeled feet.

"Why would you leave me red roses when you are about to leave the country Harry?"

"To get confirmation...and permission to go" he said softly.

She finally turned her head to face him, her hair had come loose from it's bun and hung in messy strands around her tear stained face.

"What do you mean?"

Harry took a tentative step towards her and towered over her small frame.

"To provoke a reaction from you I knew wouldn't come. You weren't meant to know about New York when you saw the flowers. I knew you'd just simply thank me for them and that would be it. You wouldn't ask why your best friend was giving you red roses because you wouldn't want to know the answer...or acknowledge the answer even though you already know it. You'd ignore something so blatant just like you always do...just like you have done everyday for the past decade. Every look, every touch, every invasion of personal space...I can't handle it anymore Nikki. I can't handle the intimacy without being intimate, the closeness without commitment-"

"Commitment?!" she gasped and rose to her feet. This drew a incredulous, bitter laugh from her.

"Harry Cunningham is talking to me about commitment?!"

"You see this is what this is really about, you don't trust me!" he yelled, jabbing a finger towards her.

"You haven't really trusted me since you knew I forced Penny to get an abortion and then what happened in Hungry...well that just cemented your opinion didn't it?!".

"How dare you assume what I think Harry, what I feel!" she screamed.

"Why have you never really let me in then? Why have we gotten so close...so so close...but never made love? Our relationship is so fucking screwed up Nikki you have to acknowledge that!"

"We're friends!" she shouted, her voice faltering, unconvinced by her own argument. It was Harry's turn to laugh. He took another step towards her. They were almost nose to nose.

"Stop kidding yourself Nikki, we've never been friends. Colleagues. Yes. Sparring partners. Oh Yes. But you have never been my friend" he growled.

He saw the panic in her eyes and shifted his body towards her, cornering her between himself and the bed.

"Like it or not, we've been together" he whispered "You know that".

"What do you want Harry?!" she cried and took a step back from him "Why are you doing this to me?!".

"Why are you doing this to me?!" he shouted back "I can't take it Nikki, I'm suffocating. It's like being trapped in a sexless marriage! I turned down Columbia all those years ago because of you, because if you had of asked me ten years ago where we would be now I would have said we would probably be married! Maybe with a kid or two!".

"How is it my fault that we're not?!" she cried, tears freely flowing down her face now.

"You always push me away. Do you remember after the shootings at the University? When I told you how I felt standing under that bomb? I told you there was so much I wanted out of life and you never once asked me about those things. Why not? Weren't you in the least bit curious?. The truth is you are terrified of a real relationship. That's why you always go out with those complete wastes of space. Or maybe its true what they say, little girls always go for replicas of their Daddy!".

The crack of her hand across his jaw stunned them both into silence.

"You bastard" she whispered and attempted to push her way past him but he caught her roughly by both wrists.

"Thats more like it Nicola, we really should try being more honest!".

He shook her once violently and she struggled free of his grasp and succeeded in getting to the threshold of the door.

"Always running Nikki" he called after her bitterly.

She stopped in her tracks and marched towards him and slapped him full force across the face again.

Their chests heaving they stared at each other manically until he twisted the necklace she wore around his index finger and tugged it gently towards him.

"What are you doing?" she hissed

"Proving myself right" he whispered before urgently pressing his lips to hers. An involuntary moan slipped from the back of her throat at the sensations travelling up her spine but when he sought deeper access she pulled back out of his grasp.

"We can't" she cried, pressing her palm against his chest, holding him at bay.

"Why not?" he pleaded desperately and pressed his forehead against hers. Harry placed his hands on her hips and began slipping his long fingers under her blouse, tracing slow circles on her soft skin.

"You're leaving"

"Come with me. Please", he began peppering her neck with kisses.

"I can't"

"Yes you can", his hands rose higher and she ached.

"Harry you know I can't"

"Nikki I love you, I don't want to do this without you by my side"

"This is my home"

"You're my home"

"Harry-"

"Please...Marry me-"

"Harry have you lost your mind?! We can't go from zero to married and moving to America in one breath. Listen to yourself!".

Nikki pulled away and sat on the chair by her dressing table. She watched his face in the mirror. He looked desperate. Desolate.

Harry sat on her bed and stared at his feet. His shoulders heaved as he let out a strangled sob. He stared at her in the mirror.

"This is really it isn't it?" he croaked and she nodded, weeping. They stared at each other for a long time before Nikki proved him wrong and inched towards him, slowly peeling off her clothing as she did so. Harry rubbed his face and shook his head.

"Don't Nikki, please. Don't" he said hurriedly and snatched her dressing gown from its hook on her bedroom door.

He placed it around her shoulders, covering her up before pulling her into a tight hug.

"I'm going to miss you so so much" she cried, burying her face in his chest.

Nikki felt his tears in her hair as he stroked it and held her to him so tightly her rib cage hurt.

"I lied" he mumbled as she pressed her eyes tightly shut "You are my friend. You are my very very best friend".

"No" she sniffed "Lets continue with this thread of honesty while we are doing so well. You were right Harry. One hundred percent. We were never friends...make love to me...please?".

Harry slipped the dressing gown back off her shoulders and steered her slowly backwards towards the bed. He tugged his shirt over his head without opening the buttons and pulled off his jeans.

There was no foreplay (they had eight years of that) as they made love silently, wordlessly and afterwards gripped each other tightly but didn't sleep. At 1.15 a.m. their phones rang in unison and they dressed quickly and drove in silence to the scene of devastating factory fire.

Leo, who was already at the scene speaking to the Chief Fire Officer noticed them both arriving in Harry's car. He knew their red rimmed eyes were not just a feature of sleep deprivation.. He also catalogued the bruises on Harry's face and the faint bite mark on Nikki's neck. 'Long goodbyes' he thought sadly as watched them suit up.


	6. Chapter 6

Three hours later and Nikki felt her knees almost buckle with exhaustion. The smell of burnt flesh so thick inside her nose she could almost taste it. She gripped the bonnet of a police car to steady herself. The heat from the smoldering remains of the factory was oppressive and draining. Nikki peeled down part of a latex glove to wipe her eyes which were burning from heat, tiredness and dried tears . She shifted uncomfortablely and drew tbe zipper down on the crime scene suit. Neither of them had showered before leaving. She glanced over at her colleague. Her colleague...what was he to be to her now? They were hardly going to be colleagues anymore. Their friendship was most definitely ruined, she had saw to that she thought bitterly. "Make love to me please". Her memories of her own voice mocking her and she swallowed down an angry sob. This was not the time or the place. Why oh why when her personal life was falling apart did her professional life explode with demands. Because youve extrinsically linked the two you bloody fool she scolded and stood straight, pulling the glove back up her wrist. She could do this. She had to do this. It was goodbye. Thats all. An antidote to the mystery and tension that plagued them for almost a decade. They were friends thats all. She wasnt in love with him...it was just a natural reaction to two intelligent, attractive people being in the same space for eight hours a day. If they didn't work together she wouldnt have given him a second look. He wasnt her type. No I hate tall dark and handsome she smirked. Her internal monologue continued...well im not his type. She pretended to look through some notes. Just breathe Nikki...breathe. Shit...the smell. Nikki reached into her pocket and smeared more vicks under her nose. It had the new effect of making her nauseous and light headed. She hadnt eaten or even drunk anything in over 15 hours. She looked over at Leo and Harry. They were crouching over a womans body, Harry holding the womans left hand, peering at her fingernails. So diligent. So clinical. So brilliant. She shivered recalling the memory of his hand sliding down her thigh. She wondered if he made love to other women the same way. So diligent. So brilliant. So...careful...or clinical? She had refused to look at him. Keeping her eyes tightly shut. She hadnt made a sound apart from a few deep intakes of breath that threatened to break into sobs. But not one tear fell. When he had slid off her she immediately turned on her side and pressed her back against his chest, not daring to look at his face. He didnt have to ask if she was alright. She wasn't. He had pressed kisses on her shoulder and stroked her hair but she remained stiff and rigid against him. He defined it as the moment he lost Nikki Alexander.


	7. Chapter 7

Harry gently placed the woman's hand back on her chest. He swallowed as he noted the three rings on her finger. Engagement. Someone loved her enough to ask her to stay with them for the rest of their lives. Wedding. They followed through. Eternity. They added to their happiness. A thought suddenly crossed his mind and he scanned the scene for Nikki. His eyes falling eventually on her defeated form. Leaning against a police car, smearing vicks under her nose, wiping her stinging eyes. He watched her as she began shuffling through notes. Busy as a bee.

"It might be nothing but ill tell the SIO" Leo was saying as he stood and began walking towards a pleasant looking woman in her mid forties. DI Alison Greene removed her gloves before shaking Leo's hand warmly. He could see it already in Leo's eyes that he liked her. Leo may aswell have carried a flashing neon sign over his head announcing I FANCY THE ARSE OFF THE DI .

Harry watched theirexchange with piqued interest and marvelled at how Leo did it. Hi. I like you. Will you go out wi with me? Sure why not. Lets move in. Ok. Lets get married. Ok. Lets try shall we. Ok. Im pregnant. Wow.

It really is that simple.

She never said it back. It was like she hadnt heard him.

"I love you Nikki".

He had said it hadn't he?

As the realisation dawned on him he felt sick to his stomach. Youve got your confirmation. She doesnt love you. She was letting you go. Say goodbye. Let her go. But the thought that led him to seek her out wouldn't leave him. They would have to talk. Just in case. Maybe he was too hopeful for his own good.

When the ambulance crews were finally given the nod to move the bodies to the morgue Harry began peeling off his protective clothing and went looking for her.

After an exhaustive search he began making his way towards his car which he had left parked beside Leo's. She was sitting in the passenger seat of Leos car, her chin resting on her chest. Her eyes closed. He tapped on the window and she startled. He mouthed an apology. There shared an awkward stare before she rolled the window down. There were no smiles.

"Was I that bad?" He attempted but the humour didnt reach his voice.

"You were excellent. But its field you excel in isn't it?" She said coldly, refusing to meet his eyes.

"Heres Leo...see you back at the office"

"Nikki we need to talk...I erm...last night...I wasnt exactly...dressed for the occasion".

Now she turned to look at him. He didnt flinch under the wait of her raging stare. She rolled the window up and looked away. Resolve hardening her soft features.


	8. Chapter 8

She held her breath, her lungs burning, threatening to explode out of her chest until he sat into the driver's seat of his car and drove away. Nikki would later blame sheer exhaustion as tears spilled hotly down her cheeks. She released a strangled gasp just as Leo sat in beside her. He closed the door gently as her hand flew to her face, her body convulsing.

Leo stared helplesly at the steeringwheel for several long moments until she gasped an almost inaudible "Sorry".

Leo closed his eyes momentarily before placing his hand on her shoulder.

"Lets just go. Drive...please" she pleaded.

Leo turned the key in the ignition and the car spluttered to life. The sobbing had ceased but the tears streamed unabated. Nikki, freezing in the early autumn morning tried to busy herself by trying to figure out the heating system in Leos car. She couldnt remember the last time she was in Leo's car...she even had her own seat setting programed into Harry's. Harry. Bastard. Bastard.

She chanted the word in her mind in disbelief at the first sentence he had muttered to her since...God. Selfish selfish bastard. She tried to compose herself and quickly do some period sums all the while trying to fight images of a two year old Harry staring up at her, locked in a battle of wills over eating dinner or something. That would be Harrys departing legacy wouldn't it? She'd spend the rest of her life staring into those eyes, forever in combat...forever in love.

I never said it back.

It hit her like a sledge hammer. He had said he loved her.

"I love you Nikki"

So bloody much im emigrating to another continent.

Leo's music system inadvertently whirred into life after she pressed all the buttons on the dash distractedly.

"Do the walls come down when you think of me?..do your eyes grow dim?".

Jesus Christ Leo had awful taste in music.

"Is it easier for you to say you never loved me anyway or do you hide me in your attic trunk like a stowaway?".

Leo threw Nikki a concerned sideways glance and quickly hit shuffle. Michael Jackson. Much better. Billie Jean. Thats ok.

Nikki made it as far as "She's just a girl who thinks that I am the one. But the kid is not my son" before she angrily twisted the all the buttons until she and Leo were enconsed in an awkward silence.

Leo stopped at a set of traffic lights and hit the left indicator. The clicking noise underling every long second that neither of them had spoken. He had missed awkward moments like this with Cassie. She had never ran to him broken hearted...she hadnt made it far enough to have her heart broken. Leo was also concerned as he had only recently broken Janet's heart...and he knew what Nikkk thought of that. Thought of him...to his sheer relief her phone rang. She answered it immediately just to avoid this horrible silence with poor Leo who didnt know where to look. She should have just bucked up and went with Hary. Harry.

"Hello"

"Nikki I am an absolute moron, I didnt mean what I said to sound so..im sorry im really sorry. Please say something..."

"I dont think youve anything to worry about... youre off the hook again".

Ouch. That stung. That stung very badly.

He alternated between hurt and anger, their breathing crackling over the phone line.

"It was you I was thinking about" hesaid eventually, evenly through clenched teeth.

She snorted "Im touched. Dont worry Harry you can't say im not used to this kind of thing" she whispered bitterly.

"Nikki-"

"Forget it. Bye Harry".

It was the way she said 'bye'. He held his breath, panic surging through him. How had he messed up this badly?.


End file.
